Lasagna and Stuffing

Easter tends to be a…well…competitive holiday for my family. There is the annual egg hunt which usually ends in a physical battle between grown adults tackling one another for that last hidden egg. The cousins are all grown up now, but we still love trash talking during the weeks leading up to the event, all while training by for the big day by running circles around the yard and scoping out the possible hiding spots. One year, when I discovered the goldmine of eggs hidden in the trees along the property line, I won, and thus received the coveted bragging rights for the rest of the year. The next year, I lost miserably, but we won’t discuss that. 😉

This year was different. Easter Day started out with my brother cuing Google to play “loud noises” to wake everyone up. I ran downstairs in my pajamas to find my nephew buried under a blanket on the couch and my brother just about to either jump on him or throw cold water in his face; neither of which I would want to experience, so I quickly escaped to the kitchen. My mother was making coffee and one of the two dogs was already outside basking in the sun on the patio, waiting for us to join her. We drank our coffee on the patio as we all sat together and predicted when this plague would end.

The rest of the day went as planned, and then the much-anticipated oven timer went off, alerting us that the turkey was done. After skipping lunch in anticipation of a large dinner, I was salivating. That’s when we realized it… the turkey was still COLD. It had been in the oven for nearly five hours and it was just as raw as when it entered the oven. My dad paced around the kitchen blaming himself for the uncooked meat, while my mom and I assured him that it was not his fault. The oven had conveniently broken on Easter Sunday, and even the crescent rolls on the top rack were still a pile of raw dough. At nearly 8pm, we abandoned the turkey.

My brother and nephew sprung into action and grilled burgers out on the grill, while my mom and I took out the leftover lasagna from the night before. My dad, still blaming himself for the broken oven (not sure why!) threw away the still-raw turkey, saying that Easter was “ruined.”

But to the contrary, Easter was not only not ruined, but it was perhaps the best Easter we’ve had. As I sat at the dining room table with my mix-and-match Easter dinner consisting of leftover lasagna and all the turkey dinner fixings that did manage to cook (stuffing, cranberries, peas, and mashed potatoes), I smiled at my plate full of carbs and at my family. Life was good, and we were happy. We were together, unlike many of my friends who spent Easter alone this year. During difficult times like these, especially with the looming fear that constantly envelops us, little moments like these teach us big lessons. I like to think that I always appreciate what I have, but to be honest, I haven’t always appreciated everything. Sometimes, I find myself spending too much time planning my next adventure that I don’t fully embrace the gifts of the present moment. If there is one lesson that I have learned during this quarantine, it’s to never take a day for granted and to appreciate life’s simple blessings, like coffee dates with friends and the freedom to walk into any store at any time I wish. You see, the turkey doesn’t matter; what matters is the love that sits in those seats next to you. I wouldn’t have cared if my Easter dinner consisted of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Actually, that would have made the story even more memorable…

Ms. Independent, it’s not about the turkey. It has never been about the turkey. Life is about appreciating each little blessing, even if they arrive disguised in the form of a broken oven. We laughed so hard all evening long, and laughter is exactly what we needed. Life is truly so special when we have the courage to see the blessings in a plate full of carbs.

And you know what? Lasagna and stuffing go together pretty well. I dare you to muster up the courage to try it sometime. 😉

Bon Appetit!

-C

Just

Last night as I was stopped at a red light, I saw a young man on the side of the road holding a cardboard sign that read “Just Hungry.”  That stained camouflaged jacket hung off of him, and his blonde beard just brushed the top of his chest.  It wasn’t time that aged him but rather experience.  I realized after a few seconds that I had been staring at him, and when his blue eyes met mine, I looked away out of habit.  He was just one of the many homeless people that stood on this street corner begging for money.  He began walking down the road and toward my car, so I looked down at the radio and pretended to change the channel while “Homemade” by Jake Owen played, locking the door out of habit.  I felt his eyes on me and began praying for the light to change.  Please just turn green!, I thought.  It worked.

But as I drove away, I looked at the man one last time and our eyes met.  Beneath that dirty face and those long, dirty finger nails, I saw pain, fear, and hopelessness.  I saw a neglected, unloved man who was young and capable, but damaged and dirty.  It took me about three seconds to feel regret for paying less attention to him than I would a deer on the side of the road.  I knew I made a mistake, because sitting next to me on the passenger seat was a large bag of take-out food.  I heard that Cheesecake Factory had filed for bankruptcy, so I ordered take-out to use my gift card before I could no longer use it.  Even better, they were offering a free slice of cheesecake with any order over $30, so instead of just ordering a veggie burger, I also ordered a salad for lunch today so I would qualify for the free cheesecake.  Hey, a girl can’t turn down free cheesecake.

Just.

How many times in our lives have we said, “If I could just…” or “If only this just…”?  We all have moments of impact in our lives, moments that change us in one way or another.  Sometimes these moments are created by large impacts such as a divorce or the birth of a child, but there are also millions of smaller moments of impact as well.  This was a moment of impact for me.  How could I, someone who advocates for the poor and disadvantaged all the time, drive away so quickly when I did have just the thing he wanted in my car?  I didn’t need two meals, and I didn’t even want to order more than one meal, but I just wanted that cheesecake.  I will never forget the time that my family was driving to Olive Garden and my older brother rolled down his window and handed a homeless man an Olive Garden gift card that we had planned on using that night because the man carried a sign that read “Hungry and Homeless.”  My brother passed away fifteen years ago, but that moment of impact lives on in my memory.

Ms. Independent, what little moment would you do-over, if you just could?  There are so many moments in my life that I would do over if I could, and this was one of those moments.  I would have opened my window and given that man one of my meals, and maybe even that piece of cheesecake because I didn’t need it after celebrating a 25-pound weight loss earlier in the day.  I just didn’t have the courage to roll down my window like my brother had.  I just didn’t want to cause a scene on the road.  I just didn’t know if it was safe to open my window.  I just didn’t know how much time I had until the light turned green.  I just had too many excuses in my privileged life to care enough about the man who was “just hungry.”

I felt embarrassed as I drove away in my expensive SUV, sitting on those comfy leather seats with the sunroof open and vowing to just have courage the next time I encountered a moment like this.  I felt like I needed to make my own sign that read “Just Cowardly.”  Ms. Independent, what would be written on your roadside sign?  Are you just healing?  Or just scared?  Are you just tired, or just getting by for now?  Maybe you’re like me, and you’re just cowardly but vowing to be courageous?  We all have needs, but we rarely wear a sign that lets others know what our needs are.  In each little interaction though, big or small, we have an opportunity to help someone fulfill their un-broadcasted needs.  A few kind words or a small gesture could be enough to give someone hope. We never know when a small moment might have a large impact on someone else.  Hopefully the next SUV carrying a free slice of cheesecake stopped and gave it to the man who was just hungry.  That person’s sign would read “Just Kind.”

Life is a series of chain reactions, and if we adjust one of those reactions, we might just cause a whole new positive reaction.

Ms. Independent, just have the courage to be kind.

-C

Photo Source: U District

Boy, Does She Know?

Boy, does she know?  Does she know that part of you that you’ve never shared with anyone?  Your dreams, your mistakes, and your deepest regrets?  Have you grabbed her by her hand and taken her on a tour of the depths of your soul, beyond those fortresses you built, where no one has ever entered, because that’s where the deepest and darkest parts of your soul lie?  Has she explored that area, picking up each piece, examining the wreckage, and making sense of the destruction?  Does she know about your past, thinking your present and future are with her?

Boy, does she know that you can’t make eye contact when you’re telling a lie?  Or how your eyes squint when you’ve had too much to drink?  Does she know the extent of the lies that hide behind those eyes, along with the stories you’ve fabricated just to preserve your external image?

Boy, does she know about the other women?  The one you cheated on me with and who you were still with when you met her.  The one that you pursued with such tenacity while you were still living with your long term girlfriend, who sat home cooking you dinner and planning a romantic night in as you were looking for greener pastures.  Does she know that as soon as you were caught out with another woman, you lied just to cover your own tracks, telling your friends about our “break-up” weeks before it happened?  Did she know that your friends knew about our break-up before I did?  She probably doesn’t know that as she was putting on her mascara to go on that first date with you, you were running around with another woman, while I was home crying, texting you because I had no idea that either of these women existed. 

Does she know that she entered into a relationship with a man that didn’t have his whole heart to give? Or that we had just broken up when you met her?  I bet she doesn’t know about the woman you were sleeping with when you met her, or that you broke up with me because you said you needed to work on yourself, that you were miserable with who you were, and that you were no good in any relationship.

Boy, does she know yet how your charming actions can quickly turn into careless and selfish behavior, how your promises are empty, and how your laughter can quickly turn to rage?  She probably doesn’t know that you lie about almost everything, even to her.  She doesn’t know that you cheated on your last two girlfriends, thinking we would never find out.

She doesn’t know that you’re not the man she thinks you are.  And I’m sure she wouldn’t believe me if I told her, because I’m sure you told her that I’m the crazy ex-girlfriend whom you left a long time ago.

But you know.

You know that you lied to me.

You know that you cheated on me.

You know that you left my parents’ house after spending the weekend there, my parents treating you like a son, and that evening, jumped into the arms of another woman, while I was wondering why you weren’t answering my texts.

You know you tried to blame our break-up on me.

You know that you lost friends because of your reckless behavior.

You know that people who really know you, know the truth about you.

You know what you did, and you have to live with that guilt.  If you don’t feel it now, you will feel it later.

You know that you wrecked lives, including your own.

You know you did all of these things.

She does not.

But I know this…

I know that I speak the truth.

I know that I am happier without you.

I know that I deserve a man much better than you, one who will treat me with respect and one who is honest with his words.

I know that I am confident, beautiful, and successful, and that you will never find another woman like me.

I know that I am courageous, even after seeing your true colors.

I know that you are my past, and I’m thankful that you’re not my present or future.

I know that the best is yet to come.

And…I know I will make it.  And you will watch me.

-C

Let’s talk about sex, baby.

Ladies…let’s talk about sex. Have you ever felt truly confident standing naked in front of a man? Have you ever found yourself turning off the lights before making love because you didn’t want your partner to see your stomach rolls? Have you ever felt tempted to go for a Brazilian wax? So much of our womanly self-esteem and self-worth comes from three little letters: S-E-X.

We pay thousands of dollars and put ourselves through pure torture just to get ready for sex. We wax, shave, and pluck. Then there are the extra sit-ups, the carefully picked out lingerie, and the pedicure… Why do we go through so much trouble when most men don’t even care about any of the above? I don’t know about you, but it used to take me a while to expose my make-up free face to a man. I felt like Mrs. Maisel when she sets her alarm to wake up well before her husband so she can apply make up and curl her hair, giving him the illusion that she rolls out of bed this way. Ok, I’m not that bad at all. I roll out of bed with messy hair and mismatched pajamas, usually with one eye open and the other still closed, but I have been known to brush my teeth in the middle of the night so my breath doesn’t smell, and I’ve sometimes applied a little under eye concealer when I wake up early to use the bathroom. Why do I do this, and why might you spend $400 on lingerie? Because society taught us that our bodies aren’t good enough the way they are.

Want to know how to have the best sex of your life? Be happy. That’s it! Just be happy with who you are and how you are spending your time. Do all of the things that fill you up with joy because the happier you are, the more confident you will be in your relationship. Focus on YOU, not him, and if a Brazilian wax makes you feel confident, then get it! But if you’re like me and the thought of spreading your legs and bracing for thirty minutes of pure torture gives you anxiety for days, then don’t get one! Maybe you found a few sexy panties on clearance but don’t have a partner to see them? Buy them and wear them anyway! Don’t feel like shaving today? Then don’t! Book a trip to Chicago to see the green river on St. Patrick’s Day. Hike a waterfall. Try taking a circus arts class. Buy yourself fresh flowers. Take a long walk with a friend on a beautiful day. Organize your shoes, and clean your kitchen cabinets. Do all of the things that make you feel good.

And next time you find yourself on the brink of an intimate moment with your partner, don’t you dare reach for that light switch. Keep the light on and let him see you and appreciate your full beauty.

Wishing you the most happiness (and the best sex life),

-C

“Fat Girls Don’t Wear Skirts”

Ladies, how many of you have ever looked in the mirror and felt displeased at what you saw? Have you ever been truly happy with the reflection staring back at you? If you have been, then congratulations because you represent a very slim minority of the female population.

It’s not our fault for feeling displeased when we look in the mirror. From a young age, people use words like “pretty” and “cute” to describe us. Today’s young girls are even more doomed than I was as they are growing up in an era of filtered Instagram posts while I was looking at magazine models and TV stars. Their sense of beauty and normalcy is even more warped than ours since they see everyday women, even their friends, falsely slimmed down and filtered. While society has improved in terms of featuring “curvy” women in ads, we still have a huge problem in our society: self-image and self-esteem still suffers from unattainable beauty standards.

When I was in college, I wrote my Senior Honor Thesis on this very topic. I interviewed many different young girls ages 5-14, and what I noticed time after time in each interview is that no matter their background, physical attributes, or family dynamics, each girl was hesitant to say that she was beautiful and that she loved herself. I’m not sure where it started, but somehow we as women have learned from a young age that we should not admit that we are pretty, smart, or successful. We have learned that we should be modest in our opinions of ourselves. One 14-year old girl, in particular, shared a story with me about how she was once bullied by another girl in middle school on a day when she wore a skirt. The bully told her, “Fat girls don’t wear skirts.” For the past 14 years since my college graduation (geez, I am old!), these words have never left me. It was a poignant moment for me back then, and it continues to be a reminder to me that somehow, we have created beauty standards that suffocate our individuality and self-image.

I’ll be honest with you. I always thought I had a positive self-image, but I was never fully pleased when I looked in the mirror. Something always felt off. Some days, it was the growing cellulite on my legs, and on other days, my acne scars seemed more prominent. I have always been a fairly active and healthy woman, but I have been battling polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) since I was a teenager, and if you know anything about PCOS, you know that it leaves you with the worst acne of your life, a few extra pounds that are virtually impossible to lose, facial hair, and painful periods. I have been treating the symptoms for half of my life through various medications, diets, and exercise regimes. I grew resentful of the women who could begin a diet on a Monday and lose three pounds by Saturday. Due to the insulin resistance that comes with PCOS, my body has a difficult time processing carbs and sugar, causing weight plateauing shortly after beginning any new diet.

Every one of us is battling something, whether it’s a physical or emotional battle. Yes, overall health is important and I do watch what I eat and work out regularly, so I will never tell you not to do these things because our physical health is very important. I will, however, tell you that we need to stop criticizing ourselves when we look in the mirror. Instead, we need to look at our reflection and say out loud, “You are beautiful! You are strong!” We need to stop looking at our thinning hairlines, emerging wrinkles, double chins, cellulite, sagging boobs. Instead, look at the strength of the woman behind that smile staring back at you, and celebrate her strength and perseverance. Don’t criticize her for her size XL yoga pants; celebrate her for going to the damn yoga class! Don’t be afraid to tell someone that you think you are smart or successful. A man easily boasts about how much he can lift at the gym, and we should be able to talk about how great our butt looks in a certain dress. Guess what? Your butt DOES look great in that dress!

Love that woman staring back at you in the mirror. Maybe that woman has had the courage to wake up every morning after losing a child, or maybe she has had the courage to approach her ex-husband with civility in front of their children after she found him cheating on her. That woman might have courageously battled breast cancer and lost her womanly identity when she lost her breasts, or maybe she prays every morning for the strength to get through the workday and keep her anxiety at bay. That woman staring back at me is certainly courageous, and I am going to continue to celebrate her courage. She has curled in bed with her mother at night when her mother couldn’t stop sobbing over the loss of her son. She has picked up her annihilated heart after her cheating boyfriend tried to hide his dirty secret and made her feel like the break up was her fault. I am so proud of that woman staring back at me because even when she thought she could not get through another day of heartbreak, she somehow found a way to mend her heart it into a stronger, more whole heart than it ever was before the break. That woman is strong, beautiful, and tremendously courageous.

Miss Independent, I am smart, beautiful, AND successful. And you shouldn’t be afraid to admit that, too. Because you are! So today, take some time to look at yourself in a mirror and tell yourself out loud the things you love about yourself. Celebrate your strength and success. Love yourself fiercely, and even when all hope is lost, never EVER lose your courage. You have to promise me that, ok?

Chin up, Ms. Independent. And by the way, there is only one chin there, not two.

-C

How to Spend Valentine’s Day as a Single

Ms. Independent, I have spent 34 of my 35 years single on Valentine’s Day, with the exception of last year. So if anyone is an expert on how to and how not to spend that lovey dovey, chocolate covered strawberry and red heart nauseating holiday, it’s me.

So, you’re single on Valentine’s Day. So what?! If you think that you need to stay in bed all day and skip right to February 15th, then you need to read my post titled “Love, Actually, is All Around.” Believe me when I say that I hate Valentine’s Day just as much as you do, and that I have tried anything and everything to make it disappear. In college, I even renamed the holiday “Love Everybody Day” and convinced my roommates to celebrate Love Everybody Day instead of Valentine’s Day. I have been secretly (ok, maybe not so secretly) dreading Valentine’s Day this year, remembering how special it was last year and how my then-boyfriend laid little red hearts all around his apartment as a surprise to me. Like you, I was hoping to enter a deep, deep sleep beginning the evening of February 13th and ending the morning of February 15th. But also like you, I eventually realized that this is silly and that I deserve to celebrate love on this day, because self-love and the love of family and friends is in every way more important than romantic love.

Here’s what NOT to do on Valentine’s Day:

  • Go on social media. Just do yourself a favor and DO NOT check your Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, or whatever other social media channels you might use.
  • Scroll through your phone and stare at pictures of you and your ex, and the flowers he gave you last year. You should honestly delete these.
  • Do nothing. If you do nothing, you will end up home alone crying.
  • Sit home with a romantic movie and your friends Ben and Jerry. Please don’t stay home alone. Go out and do something fun!
  • Go out to eat alone. This is not the evening to conquer the “Table for one, please” phobia.

Ladies, this is not the time to throw yourself a pity party. There are 364 other days (this year, 365) in the year to do that, and today is not the day! Here are some empowering, fun ways to spend Valentine’s Day:

  • Invite all of your single girlfriends over for a singles-only dinner party, and then toast to your independence. Give each one of them a chocolate rose.
  • Treat yourself to a new hairdo, a facial, or a massage. Even better…book a couple’s massage with your best friend and then both of you can enjoy the discounted rate.
  • Get the hell out of town. That’s right, leave! Go visit one of your friends in another state (or country!) and make fun plans together.
  • Go to a comedy show.
  • Find a single friend and make reservations at that French restaurant that your ex would never take you to.
  • Go on a shopping spree.
  • Buy yourself flowers, chocolate from your favorite specialty candy shop, and your favorite wine.
  • Buy yourself an expensive piece of jewelry.
  • Babysit your nieces and nephews while your siblings go out for date night. Host a full-blown sleepover party with pajamas, cookie decorating, and a movie.
  • Volunteer at a homeless shelter and serve dinner that evening. Seeing how appreciative people are for your help will make you feel much better.
  • Go to an arcade and challenge a stranger to a game of skee ball.
  • Try that thing you’ve always wanted to try.

Ms. Independent, don’t hide on Valentine’s Day. Be courageous and be bold. Be kind to yourself and celebrate how much you love yourself. Remember, you, of all people, deserve so much love for all that you’ve been asked to shoulder. Allow yourself to feel loved and cherished on this day that is meant to celebrate love.

So how am I spending Valentine’s Day? Well, I’ve had a few different offers, one of which was from a married friend who is hosting a party (with her husband) for all of their single lady friends. Seriously, how nice is that?! Another friend offered for me to visit her in Canada, where she promised me that the live music and dancing in the Irish pub down the street would eradicate any thoughts I had of my ex. I would have loved to escape to Canada for the long weekend, but the timing didn’t work out, so I opted to spend the evening with another single friend, stuffing our faces with carbs at a new restaurant that we’ve been wanting to try, then laughing until our stomachs hurt at a comedy show. And if there is time, we are going to visit a travel agent to begin planning our trip to Africa. Yes, you read that right. We are going to Africa. (More to come on that!)

Ms. Independent, it takes courage to celebrate Valentine’s Day after having your heart broken into a million pieces. But if there is one thing that I know for sure, it’s that staying home on your couch and wallowing in your misery is only going to make you feel worse, and after all you’ve been through, you deserve to feel loved on Valentine’s Day. Give yourself the love you deserve and try something you’ve always wanted to try. Give yourself something to look forward to. So get up off your couch right now, go put on your favorite outfit, spruce up that make up, and then curl or straighten your hair. When we look good, we feel good. And girl, you deserve to feel GREAT tonight!

How will you be spending your Valentine’s Day? Share your ideas in the comments below!

With love, C.

Resilience

On the Eastern part of Puerto Rico, the mountainous Yunque Rainforest lurks in the background of any vantage point. Looming high above the clouds on the tallest mountain peak, legend has it that Yucahu, guardian of the Taino, watches over the people on his throne.

In 2017, Hurricane Maria destroyed the forest, eradicating the canopy and leaving a once shaded forest floor exposed to sunlight and extreme heat for the first time in hundreds of years. The birds moved away and most of the other insects and animals died in the storm. Most of the plants were blown away, ripped from their roots and thrown into bigger, stronger trees until they piled up one on top of the other in a heaping mound of death and destruction. The trees that withstood the storm were stripped of their beauty and branches, and left with deep scars that would never heal. And yet, despite the massive devastation, the forest began to regrow entirely on its own. New branches and leaves grew off of dead tree trunks. The trees that didn’t survive the storm left strong and deeply planted roots, which began to germinate new life above the surface. The palm trees cloned themselves, termites resurfaced from their underground hiding spots, and hermaphrodite insects got busy reproducing. As the plant life grew, small insects began to migrate back to the forest, attracting larger animals. Two years ago, Yunque was a tangled mess of dead tree limbs, and today, it is a lush green paradise for humans and animals, alike.

This week, I had the opportunity to visit Yunque and hike up one of its steepest trails. Some of the trees in the forest are over 200 years old, which means they were planted well before automobiles stopped to gaze upon them, and before electricity lit up the street lights next to them. They endured countless wars and storms, and at times, their strength was severely tested as their trunks wavered back and forth in 200+ mile an hour winds during at least three Category 5 hurricanes that hit the island. As I stood next to these 200 year old trees, running my fingers along the grooves and dents in their trunks, observing the difference in colors and textures of these beautiful scars created by destruction, I felt naive. I spent most of my life covering up my physical and emotional scars, and here I was standing next to a life form much older and wiser than me, finding beauty not in her perfection, but in her scars. These trees were so beautiful and every tour group that passed by couldn’t resist taking a photo next to them. Tourists were enamored by the beauty in their scars, running their fingers along them just as I had, wrapping their arms around their giant trunks and then giddily posing for a “tree hug” photo. Sure, in their younger days, these trees were likely flawless, but people weren’t stopping to take photos next to the young trees; they wanted to see the beautiful, scarred trees.

So, why am I telling you about 200 year old trees and plants that clone themselves? It’s because we can learn a lesson from nature. No matter the strength of the storm or the degree of destruction that comes with it, nature never gives up on itself. It always repairs and regrows. It never says, “Well, I’ve had enough so I am going to give up now.” It’s not an overnight process, nor does it come without sacrifice, but it does, eventually, rebuild itself into something much more lush and beautiful than before the storm. Nature teaches us that resilience is rewarded, and that there is no storm that we cannot weather. Ms. Independent, if a forest that has been battered with 250+ mile per hour winds for days, losing most of its plant and animal life, can rebuild itself into something even more magnificent than before, then we, too, can rebuild ourselves. You may have been stripped down by a powerful storm, temporarily losing parts of yourself that you can’t imagine ever growing back. But here’s the thing, Ms. Independent…you will regrow. Maybe you won’t regrow into what you were before the storm, but you will regrow into a stronger and more beautiful version of yourself because you have strong roots and you’ve shed the dead parts of your soul. You’ve been stripped of the negative in your life, and while this feels like you have been destroyed and are now exposed to the intense sunlight, you have actually been planted. And that sunlight will make you grow.

Ms. Independent, you may feel knocked down, broken, bent, or even completely destroyed right now, but like the forest, you will regrow. And you will flourish. And your courageous scars will be beautiful.

Now, it’s time to grow.

-C

“Love, actually, is all around.”

Ms. Independent, I have experienced the kind of heartbreak that wakes you up at night, panting for air, gagging with nausea. I have lost hope that I will find love, will ever be loved, and will have the heart to love again after so much hurt. I have doubted my capacity to love and have spent months wondering what I did wrong to lose the only real love I ever felt. I lost my appetite for food, love, and joy, and worst of all, I lost my courage. But through all of the tears, physical pain, long chats with friends, and therapy sessions, I came to one very important realization: Love is not something we find. Love is all around us and it finds us every single day.

We often mistakenly think that “finding love” means finding one person to love. This whole notion that one’s destiny is to find that single soul that compliments ours completely is…well, do you want me to be honest? It’s a bundle of crap. People have often told me, “I just want you to be happy.” What they’re really saying is, “I just want you to find the one.” While they mean well and have my best interest in mind, I know that being happy does not equate to finding a relationship. Ms. Independent, listen to me carefully. There are so many ways for us to love and to be loved, and loving a significant other is just one way to feel that love. Just because you are not in a relationship does not mean that you should deny yourself that indescribable, incredible feeling of love. What makes your heart speak, Ms. Independent? Where do you give your love, and who gives you love? Who and what fills you up with the most joy?

This is something that I had to learn after a devastating break-up. He was my everything- the love of my life, my best friend, and I thought for sure that one day, he would be at the end of that aisle gazing upon me with loving eyes on our wedding day. I lost faith in love and worst of all, lost the love that I once felt for myself when he unexpectedly left me and wasted no time in replacing me with another woman. I felt betrayed and was certain that my heart could never love again. Not only was the break-up shattering, but the fact that it happened around the holidays made it ten times worse. I vomited from stress, and felt a crushing pressure on my chest that made me think that my heart could actually break. I knew that the only way to keep my heart from shrinking and growing cold was to love like crazy, as hard as it was, and as foreign as it felt at the time. The heart is a muscle and the more we stretch it, the bigger it grows. I started simply with those closest to me by loving my family and friends fiercely, for they were there for me during one of the most difficult times in my life. They force fed me, sent me flowers, texted me inspirational quotes, invited me into their homes at all hours of the night when my hair was greasy and my pjs hadn’t been changed in two days (listen, I’m not proud of that, ok?!), and let me sleep on their couches because I didn’t want to be alone. They booked girls’ trips and yoga retreats with me, and never grew tired of my endless tears and venting sessions. They loved me selflessly and so incredibly fiercely, and through their love for me, I began to find love for myself once again. They taught me the true meaning of love and made me want to be a better daughter, friend, and lover.

It’s funny how you think that when you lose love from one person that you’ve lost all love, but listen to me…the love that you lose from one person cannot and will not replace the love that you already have in your life, Ms. Independent. Look around you. Who loves you even when you don’t love yourself? Who believes in you? We are creatures that are made to love, and there are so many places and people to give our love to. We have so much love in our hearts and we get to decide every day where we will give it.

Find a cause you’re passionate about, and then love the hell out of it. During this fragile time following my break-up, I began to pour my love into various causes that spoke to my heart. I volunteered at an outreach center and found out that they were in desperate need of toiletries for the underprivileged, since these are not covered by food stamps. So I left the shelter and headed to Walmart, packed a cart full of shampoo, soap, razors, and toothpaste, then stuffed these into Christmas stockings and delivered them to the shelter the next day. I felt my heart stretching and an old, yet familiar smile creep onto my face at the check-out counter when the cashier asked me if I was collecting items for the poor. Saying “Yes” never felt more amazing. I found love in those smiles and hugs of the surprised women working at the shelter who were not expecting to have a delivery of stockings full of coveted personal items. I found love in the warmth of my new friends at Big Brothers Big Sisters, whom I work with on their board. When I had to cancel my boyfriend’s attendance at a gala last minute because of our break-up, they wrapped their hearts and arms around me and made sure the only thing on my mind that evening was the music and the laughter. I am finding love in the responses I am receiving from friends and family when I tell them that I am planning a fundraiser in my late brother’s name. It is something I have always wanted to do, but have never had the courage to plan it…until now.

Love is…giving a stranger a compliment. Love is letting someone over on the highway. Love is waiting an uncomfortable amount of time to hold the door for someone at the mall. To quote a line from my favorite movie, “Love, actually is all around.” Yes, I know that might sound cheesy, but love really is all around, and we can control where we give our love. Start by doing more of what fills you with the most joy, and be kind to yourself. Love yourself like you would want someone else to love you. Treat yourself to a massage, buy yourself fresh flowers, and enjoy a warm bubble bath while reading a new book. Don’t deny yourself love just because you don’t have a significant other to love, Ms. Independent. That is crap and you know that! Love the hell out of your friends and family, and then bury yourself in a cause that makes your heart throb with joy. You will know what that cause is when you find it, because you will feel alive like you’ve never felt before. I’ll be honest with you, I’m still working through this and learning to love again, but with each new day, I wake up with the intention to experience love in the simple moments, even though it is sometimes very hard. I still have a long road ahead of me, and some days I experience setbacks, but I forgive myself for those setbacks because I know that I am on my way. I am further along than I was yesterday, but not as far as I’ll be tomorrow.

You know what, Ms. Independent? It takes courage to love after you’ve been hurt. You are courageous and never forget that. Your heart will heal and love will creep into your life in the most surprising places when you focus on the things that bring you joy. Keep loving and your heart will grow more than you ever thought it could. How do I know this? Because I trust the stories of so many women who have come before us, who survived the heartbreak and lived to tell us that we, too, will not only survive, but thrive. I know it’s hard right now, and believe me when I say that I understand. But I promise you, you will love again.

And so will I.

With love, C

❤

Dear Ms. Independent

Chances are, you’re a lot like me. You probably have a good job with a live-able salary, a closet (and hallway) teeming with shoes, and on the not-so-rare occasion, dishes piled in your sink. Every morning, you likely hunt through your closet and find nothing to wear, even though you’ve now occupied both your closet and the guest room closet. You throw on some mascara and curl your hair, and then you probably grab an overpriced coffee on the way into work, because you didn’t leave enough time to make it for free before you left the house. Like me, you’re mostly put together, a little unorganized, and for the most part, content with your life. You live on your own and pay your own bills, and you may even be…shall I say it? Single. Like so many successful and independent women who are single, you feel mostly fulfilled with your life, but sometimes the loneliness creeps up on you.

Ms. Independent, this blog is for you, whether you are that fiercely single woman who has torn up the dance floor at all of her friends’ weddings without a plus one, or the woman behind the pretty smile who cries alone at night because she is raising children without the support of a partner. The “C-Word” is your place to share your stories and to lift each other up, because what we all possess is courage. It takes courage to attend weddings alone, courage to visit a sperm bank and carry a child without a partner, courage to raise children as a single mother, and courage to buy a house on your own. It takes courage to pursue our dreams without the encouragement of a partner. Here, we will share those experiences that unite us as women, filling our pages with uplifting and inspirational stories for and by women to help us find that courage when we need it most.

So what’s my story? I am a writer at heart, and that photo above, well, that’s my happy place. That’s where I write, dream, and relax in snowman slipper socks after a long day in high heels. I am the single woman who danced at every one of her best friends’ weddings without a plus one. I am the single woman who bought a house on her own five years ago, and then entered into a series of house renovations with nothing more than a shallow bank account and a few basic tools. I am the woman who has cried herself to sleep praying to God for it to be her time to meet someone, and when those prayers were finally answered and she fell head over heels in love, her heart was tossed in the trash, shattered and confused, and replaced by a newer one. I am the woman who does not know how to put air in her tires, but can whitewash a fireplace like it’s her job. I am the hopeless romantic who watches The Bachelor every Monday night and spends her weekends mulching, mowing, and weeding. I am the woman who has been bloodied and bruised by insincere hearts, yet she has picked herself up every time, mended her wounds, and entered the ring time after time with hope and courage.

Ms. Independent, this blog is for you- the brokenhearted, the restless dreamers, and the kick-ass women out there who won’t settle for a mediocre life. This is for you, who knows how to use a lawn mower, but might not know how to put air in your tires. Here, we will come together and lift each other up. And yes, we will teach you how to put air in your tires. 😉

Ms. Independent, this one’s for you.

-C