The C-Word

Love, You

When I first started this blog, I envisioned it as a space for women to find solace in our similar female experiences, to celebrate our victories, and to lift each other up when we need it most. I wanted The C-Word to serve as a constant reminder that you are not alone, that even in your weakest moments, you have an army of women who will hold you up all while shouting “You’ve got this, girl!” and “Forget about him! He was never good enough for you!” One of those women standing beside me shouting these things is my friend Tracy, who has been one of my biggest cheerleaders since I first opened my laptop and began writing. If you’re lucky enough to know Tracy, then chances are she’s standing beside you, too, throwing punches at lovers who have wronged you, and pushing you along in your own race, even when you don’t have the energy or the courage to even step onto the start line.

And now, we are all able to hear from Tracy, this week’s guest writer and your newest, biggest fan. When Tracy first approached me about writing a blog post, she told me she was nervous to share her story with the world, and I reminded her of how she encouraged me when I was first afraid to share my stories with you all. Tracy’s story needs to be told and shared with anyone that has ever been the victim of bullying. Bullies beware, because you are only making us stronger. Trace- thank you for sharing your wisdom with all of us. Love you!

-C

Love, You

By: Guest Writer, Tracy (aka- a courageous and inspirational woman whom I am fortunate to call my friend)

That’s my friend Tracy. She’s a pretty amazing woman.

Ever since I was a toddler I loved to sing and perform. I remember being around 6 years old watching Mariah Carey on MTV Unplugged (before you judge me, I’m talking about powerhouse 90s Mariah…it was 1992). I felt the palpable emotion through the TV permeating from Mariah’s voice to the audience. I fell in love with that connection and the difference someone can make by simply singing a tune. Most artists have experienced struggles in life which gives them something to sing about. It’s what makes the singer connect to the music and the audience get lost with them. Their authenticity draws in the audience and makes you feel like you are a part of this magical, musical story that is now yours to tell. Standing in front of that TV, I wasn’t a 6 year-old belting out Mariah Carey; I was Mariah Carey.

But there was one issue; confidence was never my strong suit. People rarely saw that, though. Instead, they saw a brave, little girl get up in front of an audience and belt out a tune. Unfortunately, inside that “brave” child was an anxious, insecure little girl who felt much more than stage-fright butterflies inside her belly.

The truth is that I was bullied for much of my adolescence. From elementary school to middle school, I was picked on for many things: my size, my parents being divorced, my friends or lack thereof, not having the nicest house on the block…and eventually it turned into mean, unspeakable things said about me to the point where I was taunted by nearly everyone in school. People don’t realize the consequences of bullying and the long lasting impact it can have on others. The trauma is real and it followed me well into my adulthood. I never agreed with the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Words stick like glue, actually like gorilla glue. It never comes off completely, and when it does eventually rip off, we are left with scars to tend to. People may not always remember exactly what you say, but they will remember the way you made them feel. And in the case of bullying, those feelings internalize, speaking lies over your mind about who you are.

It’s taken a lot of work to heal from those wounds. I’m mostly pieced together with titanium implants, or so it feels. But in a way I’m stronger and I’m better. I understand the importance of empathy and love over everything else. I’ve learned that most of our triggers are from past traumas, but those triggers don’t define us. In fact, they give the wrong perception of us completely. I’ve also learned that what others say to you or feel about you is their problem, not yours…and it is NOT your baggage to carry.

I share my story so you can understand that I know firsthand how hard it is to love yourself. Life and people can make it so very difficult to love yourself. But the truth is that every one of us has a story, and I want to remind you that your story doesn’t define you. On the contrary, you can allow your story to shape your path of positivity. Here are 10 things that I have learned on my journey to loving who I am today:

You don’t have to love yourself first for others to love you. Everyone deserves love.
Forgive those who wronged you, even if they don’t ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, and that includes forgiving yourself. You are human and no perfect human exists.
STOP trying to please everyone. You simply cannot do it. You’ll be too busy trying to please others that you’ll forget about pleasing yourself. Be careful that you aren’t saying “yes” to someone else while saying “no” to yourself.
Be comfortable being uncomfortable. Growth occurs in this space. Don’t stay complacent.
When it’s worth it, it’s usually never easy. So don’t give up just because things are difficult. They’re supposed to be difficult.
Deal with your past. Talk to someone if need be. When you bring your problems to light, darkness no longer has power over them.
Surround yourself with people who support you. I’ve heard someone say, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.” Be selective about who you allow into your life.
Do things you love. Life is hard. Every single one of us will experience hardship. You cannot avoid it. So do things that make you happy. And then do more of these things.
Life is 90% how you react. I’ll admit, I was a martyr and I didn’t even realize it. I absolutely dealt with a lot of junk, and it was completely unfair. But I had a choice: Stay bitter or get better. And you have that choice, too.
You are in charge of your future and you are in charge of how you respond. Those are the only things you can control. You cannot control others and you cannot control life.

This is my experience and one size doesn’t fit all. My hope is that someone is reading this thinking, “I’m not alone.” You’re absolutely not alone. And it’s okay to not be okay. Just don’t stay there.

All stars are born in the dark and all darkness dies in the light.

With love,

Tracy

Want 2021 to be Your Year? Begin at Home.

We are about to turn the page on one of the most controversial, exhausting, anxious years that we will likely ever face. But you know what? We survived!! Like many of you, I am ready to leave 2020 behind with the hope that 2021 will bring peace and a return to normalcy.

Every year on New Years Eve, I sit in anticipation of the opportunities the new year will bring. Where will I travel this year? What home improvements will I treat my house to? Will this be the year that I meet my husband? Or better yet, maybe this is the year that I finally write that book?? I LOVE the opportunities that each new year brings. I clean out my closets and I clean out my life, opening up space in my heart and in my home for the positive experiences that the new year will bring. I enter each new year with hope and excitement, and a list of new goals!

Speaking of goals… Many people are making their list of New Years resolutions today, but I stopped making resolutions a few years ago because they didn’t work for me. Maybe it’s how I worded a resolution (“Lose 20 pounds” versus “Create healthy habits”) or the fact that my resolutions were too ambitious (“Publish a book this year.”) Now, I make a list of realistic goals that I want to achieve over the next year, but instead of focusing most of my effort on achieving those goals, I focus more on setting myself up for success. I clean out my closets, put away the clutter, buy new food prep containers, and set up automatic deposits into my savings account. I have realized that the more I set myself up for success, the more likely I am to achieve my goals in the new year.

If you want to achieve your resolutions or goals in 2021, then begin at home. Have you ever heard that your home is a reflection of your mental state? You may have noticed that when you clean, you immediately feel better. I know I do! This is because the messier your home, the less you are able to relax and recharge.

If you want 2021 to be your year, then you need to create a home environment that allows you to succeed.

Our minds need a safe space, a place where we can unwind, stop thinking, and completely disconnect after a long day. We need a haven for comfort and relaxation. Now that I am working from home, I spend almost every moment of my days at home, so it’s important that my home is a place where I feel inspired to work, play, and relax.

As we begin this new year, take inventory of what is in your home. Look at your home through your five senses: What do you see, feel, smell, hear, and taste in your home? Are you surrounded by items that inspire you, make you smile, and are healthy for both your physical and mental health? Do you have a plush throw pillow to rest your head on while you binge Netflix and sip a glass of Merlot? You don’t need a large home in order to feel relaxed at home. I have lived in tiny studio apartments and have felt more at home there than in large apartments. My home now is not big, but it’s perfect for Ellie (my pup) and me. And most of all, it feels like home when we are there. Everywhere I look, I see photos and items that inspire me. When I come home from a long walk, or when I lift my head up to think of a new idea for work, I immediately feel relaxed and inspired.

From my home to yours, here are five of my favorite items that have made my home a place of inspiration and relaxation. I am not receiving any kind of compensation or rewards to tell you about these items; they are truly just a few of my favorite things that I want to share with you.

See. My home is a reflection of who I am, where I have been, and where I am going. Actually, fun fact about my home: Each room is themed according to something important to me. My bedroom and bathroom are beach themed and decorated with several framed photos of my days living on Cape Cod. My guest room is fashioned with photos of friends and family, as this is their room when they visit. My loft is inspired by my travels and my bookshelf houses artifacts from my adventures abroad. Framed photos of family hang in every room, but my favorite photo is the photo of my grandparents at my uncle’s wedding, which sits on an end table next to my couch. They have both passed, but when I look at this photo, it reminds me of their love for me. There are inspirational wall hangings in every room, which inspire me to keep dreaming and keep doing. Look at your home. What do you see? What do you want to see when you are home? Your walls and shelves should be filled with items that bring you joy and comfort. If they are not, take some time this week to print out a few of your favorite photos and hang them in places where you will see them often. Buy yourself a few nice picture frames to spice up your décor. I love an excuse to go to Home Goods or TJ Maxx. Though, does a girl really need an excuse to shop? Absolutely not.

Feel. I am a HUGE fan of comfortable throw blankets. In a recent closet clean out, I forced myself to donate a few blankets because I have far too many. I have seasonal throws and plain throws. I once bought a throw blanket in Atlanta and had no idea how I would fit it in my tiny carry-on bag for the flight home, but I loved it so much and had to buy it. (In case you’re wondering, I made it fit.) It’s the most comfortable blanket I ever felt (see photo below) and bonus, it was half price! Here is the link, though it doesn’t look like it is on sale right now: https://www.ugg.com/home-and-gifts/ana-knit-throw/14884.html?dwvar_14884_color=SEL#start=4&cgid=home-collection-blankets I love cozying up with a comfy blanket, a soft pair of slipper socks, and a warm drink on a cold winter evening. Take inventory of the fabrics and materials in your home. Are they soft, or are they scratchy and uncomfortable? Can your cold, hardwood floors be warmed by a soft area rug? Are your couch throw pillows comfortable or are they merely decorative? We spend most of our lives in bed. How comfortable is your bedding? Maybe it’s time to treat yourself to a new comforter and sheets. After a busy day of work, there is nothing more relaxing than resting your head on a comfy pillow and wrapping up in a warm blanket.

Smell. Let me first say that I am not a fan of those smelly candles from stores like Yankee Candle. (Sorry Yankee Candle.) I get migraines and the only smells I can tolerate without triggering a migraine are the apple and pine scents. Honest to goodness, they are the only ones that won’t leave me bedridden for the rest of the day. That said, I am very fond of burning candles, but I prefer the natural kind like soy or beeswax. My favorite candle is handmade from Bedrock Tree Farm in Rhode Island. (see photo below) It doesn’t have a strong pine scent, but it’s perfect for my living room. Here is the link: https://firneedleproducts.com/majar8ozcowi3.html, and they’re on clearance right now!! The wooden wick is also much healthier than the burning cotton wicks in most candles. If you are looking for a natural and healthy alternative for your candles, while supporting a family owned business, I highly recommend you check out Bedrock Tree Farm.

Hear. I grew up in an Italian family where “inside voices” are other people’s “outdoor voices.” So when I tell you that my childhood home was loud, I am not kidding you. I went from a loud childhood home to a loud college dorm, to an eerily quiet little apartment where I lived on my own. It was a tough transition!! I was used to many noises, and suddenly it was so quiet that I could hear my own thoughts. Go figure. I had to get a dog because I couldn’t handle the silence. What do you hear in your home? Do you play music while you cook dinner? Or maybe, if you’re like me, you might call someone while you are eating so you don’t have to eat alone. Maybe it’s not noise that you crave, but rather silence. Perhaps you need a quiet space where you can close your eyes and meditate for 10 minutes each night. Listen to the sounds in your life. What do you need to hear to feel fulfilled?

Taste. Being confined to my home all day, with food just steps away from my desk, can be very dangerous. If you’ve read any of my other blog posts, you already know that while most people were putting on the “Quarantine 15,” I actually lost weight during the pandemic. Why is this? It’s because I set myself up for success with the food that I stocked on my shelves. I refused to buy ice cream and candy, and instead, stocked up on healthy popcorn and chocolate protein shakes for that afternoon sugar rush. My single most useful kitchen gadget is my Vitamix. I will tell you that these are not cheap; they run about $400. If you are looking for a basic blender, you can buy one in Walmart for about $20. But if you want to make homemade purees and soups, the Vitamix is the way to go. I make an afternoon shake with the chocolate vegan Shakeology powder from Beachbody (https://www.teambeachbody.com/shop/us/b/shakeology?code=SEMB_SHK_GOOGLE&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgf6nlfv17QIVEW6GCh3jfQhAEAAYASAAEgIowvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds). I mix the chocolate powder with 8 ounces of oat milk, about 5 ice cubes, 1 TBS of peanut butter powder, and some fruit, if I have it on hand, like a banana, a few strawberries or blueberries. It’s delicious, and it takes away the sugar craving. Take a look in your fridge and in your pantry. What are you snacking on? Do you have fresh fruit, whole grains, a few healthier snack options? I live by the 80/20 rule. I eat well 80% of the time and allow myself space to eat goodies in moderation 20% of the time. We are giant fuel tanks; what we fuel ourselves with is what will either accelerate us or cause us to stall. If you fill your body with healthy food, your mind will be sharper and you will have more energy to achieve those 2021 goals!

In this new year, begin the year right by setting yourself up for success in your home. Design an environment that allows you to thrive and achieve your goals. How do you set up your home to help you achieve your goals? Tell us about it in the comments below!

Happy New Year!

-C

Want more tips on living your best life as an independent and courageous woman? Follow my blog thec-word.blog or follow me on Facebook or Instagram.

Take Your Time

The afternoon sun is quickly waning as I sit on my chaise with my puppy curled up on my lap and a hot mug of tea beside me. English breakfast tea. I used to prefer tea over coffee until my last job where too-easily-accessible free coffee made the 3:00 fatigue a little more tolerable. But tea has always warmed me in a way that coffee could never do.

As I balance my laptop between a TV table and my right knee, and reach over Elouise’s head to type (by the way, she’s snoring), I feel her little feet moving. She’s dreaming. I wonder if she’s chasing her cousin Daisy, or if she’s chasing me and playfully nipping at my winter boots, which she loves to do. Like any new mommy, I have been rapidly Googling what to expect from each stage of puppyhood. Like, the biting. When will it end?!! Google tells me that by 15 weeks, she should stop biting people. She’s 9 weeks old today, so we have about 6 weeks left to go. (Which, if you’ve ever waited for your puppy to outgrow the stage where they treat you like a chew toy, then you know how slow these days go.) Google tells me puppies should be housebroken by 4-6 months. At 9 weeks old, Elouise is well on her way to being housebroken. She’s already crying at the door when she needs to go out.

The point of this story is that there are timelines for everything: when babies should talk, when puppies will be housebroken, when we should have children and when we should go to college. In fact, if you google, “What age should people get married?” you’ll see that “experts” say that you should get married between the ages of 28 and 32 to avoid the greatest chances of divorce. I even read that people who live alone are 40% more likely to develop dementia than those who are married. Talk about an urgent timeline! Heck, it’s bad enough that I am unmarried, but now my health is at risk because I’m single?! Oy vey!

At 36 years old, I spent probably 35 years of it closely monitoring the timeline of my life. I was supposed to meet my future husband in college, then marry him by 25. I was going to have my first child by 27, and be done having children by 32 before my eggs started to shrivel up. But none of that happened.

At 25, I wasn’t getting married; I was living in a little apartment one block from the beach on Cape Cod, teaching high school English during the day, and walking along the beach every afternoon. At 27, I was flying to Spain with my best friend where we learned to salsa from a couple of Barcelona natives, then caught the eye of a flamenco dancer who bought us what we think were bull testicles for dinner. At 28, I thought I was changing the world by helping inmates earn their G.E.D., and at 29, I bought my first house. By myself. And then I proceeded to renovate the entire house, watch the sun rise over Stonehenge, land a new job and a promotion soon after, become President of a local non-profit organization, and… start a successful blog. At 36, sweet little Elouise entered my home and my heart, and that house that was “mine” is now “ours.” The actual timeline of my life is one that the five-year-old girl caught on her grandfather’s video camera saying that she is going to get married and have babies, could never have imagined. Not even that little girl with a vivid imagination could have dreamed up the actual timeline of my life.

Stonehenge at sunrise. Absolutely magical!

Yes, I have eggs that are probably shriveling up as I type this, and I do realize that if I want to have biological children, I do have to adhere to a biological timeline that I can’t change. But how many people have quickly settled into a relationship or marriage with someone simply because they thought they needed to adhere to a timeline? I met someone at 34 years old and we dated for over a year, but guess what? I knew from the beginning of that relationship that he wasn’t “the one,” and though I tried to convince myself that he was because the thought of starting over sickened me, my gut kept trying to smack some sense into me. Why did I try to convince myself? Because I was adhering to an imaginary timeline.

If you want a child, then you can have one without a partner. I know plenty of women who experienced childbirth through artificial insemination, and others who have fostered and adopted children. I can tell you that I have not done either, but I have considered artificial insemination. There are Facebook support groups for single moms by choice (as they are called), and several bloggers who write about their experiences as a single mom by choice. These women have thrown away the timeline that society gives us and said, “Screw it, I’m going after what I want when I want it.” They don’t rely on a man to help them fulfill their dreams or goals. I know that being a single mom is very difficult. There is no one to share the night feedings, or hold the baby while you shower, cook dinner, or eat, for that matter. I’m going through the same thing now with this pup, but of course it’s on a different level than raising a human child. (Cold eggs for breakfast are now a treat.) It’s difficult, but I have to imagine that the experience makes you stronger. I mean, can you imagine looking into the eyes of the rest of the world and saying, “I did this all on my own?” That’s a red high heel moment. (If you don’t know what that is, you should read my blog post titled “Legend of the Red High Heels.”) There is something so beautiful about a woman who lives deeply, and as Thoreau says, “sucks(s) out all the marrow of life.”

Our lives should be a series of decisions we make, rather than left to the fate of an imaginary timeline. You decide when you want to buy a home and then set up a savings plan to make it happen. And when the hot water heater breaks and you are faced with cold showers, you don’t need a man to fix it; you just need a trustworthy plumber on speed dial. You decide where you are going to live and if you want to take that job in Texas because you are sick of New England winters. You decide when you will finish your college education, and just because “everyone else” finishes their Bachelors degree in four years, you get to decide if it will take you five or six years because you want to pursue a side gig while you’re in college. If you have already raised your children and think that your time has passed to get your college degree, you are gravely mistaken, my friend. YOU get to decide when you will go back to school. There is no age limit on education. My brother went back to college when he was 26 years old. He craved the typical college experience of living in the dorms but thought his time had passed. Through his own determination to have this experience, he found a dorm for “mature” students and ended up meeting lifelong friends AND his future wife.

If there is one regret I have, it’s the amount of time and energy I wasted in my 20s wondering when it would be my time. My time to find Mr. Right, my time to get married after going solo to all my friends’ weddings, my time for a baby shower after spoiling all my friends’ babies at theirs. I wish I had realized that my time was right then. It was my time to travel the world. My time to take those girls trips. My time to buy a house before any of my friends did. My time to live on the beach. My time to focus on my education and career. My time to go on three dates in one day and then tell my roommate about how I rushed to get to each date on time. My time to spend every Friday night dancing the night away in Boston bars with a group of friends that found each other on the dance floor every time the DJ played “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz. It was my time to spend my days however I wanted, without the responsibility of caring for a little one. It was my time to study in Scotland, meet lifelong friends, then travel back for their weddings.

I am now more than half-way through my 30s. I ripped up the timeline that imprisoned my thoughts in my 20s and placed it in the shredder, because I’m on my time now. It is my time to binge on sushi and Neflix after a long day, buy Starbucks or a new pair of heels whenever I want, and decorate my house however I damn well please. (I once dated a man who criticized my decor. He had to go.) It is my time to stand face-to-face with a wild gorilla in Rwanda, spend a Sunday Funday walking a 10-mile rail trail with the girls, and finally publish that book that I spent all of my 20s dreaming about. It’s my time to focus on me: my health, my dreams, and my happiness.

It’s your time, too.

What is it time for? Is it your time to change careers to something you love, even though you’ve been told you’ll have to once again start at the bottom? Maybe it’s your time to foster a child you will end up falling in love with and then spending several hours in a courtroom fighting to adopt him, and you will win. Maybe it’s your time to defy the odds and climb Mt. Everest, stare in awe at an African sunset, or take that service trip to Guatemala that you always wanted to do. (Post Covid, please!) Perhaps, it’s time to forgive yourself for wasting so much time worrying about adhering to some ridiculous timeline. While you are worrying about your eggs drying up and thinking up excuses to get out of Zoom happy hour tonight, someone else is envying your freedom and would do anything for a happy hour with friends.

Ms. Independent, have courage to throw away the timeline that was prescribed to you, and start living your own life on your own time. Want to have a baby? Join a support group and talk to women who choose to raise children on their own. Want to buy a house but afraid that if you buy it and then meet the man of your dreams, you may have to sell it when you move in together? Buy it anyway. Make sure you buy a house in a good school district with resale value, and you’ll be fine. Throw yourself a housewarming party, graduation party, birthday party, promotion party, or even a party to celebrate finishing your first 5K. Don’t let Covid stop you; throw a virtual party. If 2020 proved anything, it’s that life can change in an instant. Do all the things now while you can, and don’t wait for the right time, or the right opportunity, or the right person. Stop waiting, and live.

Ms. Independent, take your time. Don’t let someone else take it.

With love,

Are you a courageously independent woman? Follow thec-word.blog for more inspiration.

Wash it away. All of it.

Today was a tease. The warm air brushed my skin on my lunchtime walk, and it felt so warm that I shed the zip-up sweatshirt halfway through. I am now used to walking in 30-40 degree weather on my morning walks, so the sweat beads on my forehead was a welcome change.

It seems like in a blink of an eye, summer turned to autumn. Long, sunny days are quickly turning into shorter, cooler days where heavy sweatshirts, and sometimes even winter hats, now layer those tank top workout shirts on morning walks. Sounds of Sunday afternoon football fill our living rooms while the alluring smell of homemade chili and apple pie marinate in the kitchen. We stow away our beach chairs, and welcome the familiarity of that crisp autumn air, the reemerging sight of yellow school buses, and the crunching sound of leaves beneath our feet.

Every year as summer turns to autumn, I think of my mother’s words growing up. On the eve of the first day of school, she always said, “It’s time to wash away the summer dirt.” It was a ritual that her mother began decades earlier. My brothers and I excitedly hopped into the bathtub and washed away dirt from long days playing in the grass at the local park, bug spray from those nights we hunted fireflies in the backyard, the smoky scent of campfire in our hair, and that caked-on sunscreen that protected our young skin. We washed away memories of carefree summer days and prepared ourselves for a new year of growth. As the years went on and I grew out of the bathtub and into the shower, the ritual remained. In fact, even after I became a teacher, I found myself silently repeating my mother’s words and washing away all of that summer dirt, reflecting on the many wonderful memories of summertime, on the eve of the first day of school. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I could truly appreciate the significance of this ritual. It was a way for me to reflect on the good times, while cleansing myself of any impurities before starting afresh for a new school year. It was an opportunity to reinvent myself, to cut my hair, and to leave that bad procrastination habit behind. (If only…sigh)

This summer was different. There were no family weekends at the lake, 4th of July parties, or campfires with the neighbors. There was no family vacation to Scotland to visit my brother who was supposed to be finishing his studies in Edinburgh, because he had to quickly move home in March before they closed the border. Instead, there were meat and toilet paper shortages, normalcy in anti-social behaviors, and rising tensions between the mask-wearers and the anti-maskers.

But, despite the halt on normal life and the disappointment of unfulfilled plans, this summer was…well, life changing. When the world stopped turning in March, something magical happened: The sudden shock of the halt brought every one of us to a stop. We stopped working, stopped wasting, stopped busying. We stopped missing family dinners, stopped carting kids around, stopped fighting over whether we would watch basketball or hockey, and instead found ourselves gathering to watch stone throwing competitions because there were no other sports to watch (true story) as we laughed at ourselves for actually enjoying stone throwing. (What?!) But, despite how much of our lives stopped, we also began. We began to gather for family dinners. We began to spend more time outside. We began to finish those home projects that we never found the time to begin. We began to slow down and make time for the important things. We found new ways to connect with family and friends, and we began to realize what matters most.

This year on Labor Day, I repeated my mother’s words as I lathered my loofah with coconut body scrub, hoping to make the scent of summer last a little longer. I scrubbed extra hard as I hadn’t realized how much dirt had accumulated in my life.

“Wash away the summer dirt, Candice.”

It wasn’t until I was stripped of busyness and constant obligations that I even noticed the dirt. I washed away layers and layers of sweat from walking and running 312 miles over the summer, successfully completing the One NY Challenge. I washed away the excuses that could have kept me from finishing. I washed away the desire to lose more weight, and replaced this with admiration of my newly chiseled calves. I washed away residual feelings of confusion and pain from a relationship that had taken just about everything I had, but it left me with the most important pieces of me, because it wasn’t until I was stripped down to my core that I realized my strength. And damn…I’m one strong woman. I washed away self-doubt, excuses, busyness versus fulfillment, and achievement versus happiness. I’ve spent way too many years of my life looking for that next achievement or career advancement. Does the title really matter? It used to for me. I washed away caring what others think of me, as well as the need to achieve simply to achieve. And you know what I found beneath those layers? Fulfillment. Joy. Indifference to playing by the rules. And…love. I found so much love from new friends that I would have never met if I hadn’t endured the pain of my last relationship. I found love and support from women all over the country who follow this blog (Thank you! I love y’all!), and most importantly, I found a deep sense of self-love. I opened myself up for love, and guess what? I found that, too. But I’ll tell you all about him in another blog post. 😉 When we wash the dirt out of our lives, we begin to attract what we deserve.

Ms. Independent, what dirt would you scrub away from your life? More importantly, what would you find hidden underneath that dirt? What changes do you want to make in your life, but you’ve never had the courage to make them?

As we enter this new season where we will layer heavier clothing, try shedding a few layers first. Get out that scrub brush, Ms. Independent, and start scrubbing. As Mom would say, make sure you get rid of all that dirt. ALL of it.

-C

How to Date Yourself this Summer (And Other Perks of Being Single During a Pandemic)

Yes, I know. Believe me, I hear you. Your girls’ trip was cancelled, you’re running out of shows to binge on Netflix, and you can no longer fantasize about meeting someone in the produce aisle at the local Fresh Market because now everyone is antisocial and masked. I’m with you, girl! You don’t want to sit around all summer and hope that by some miracle, you’ll actually have a decent summer. If you live in the Northeast like me, you want to get out and enjoy the sunshine before it goes into hibernation mode for another 10 months. Here’s the tough reality: You haven’t seen your friends or even your family in months, your chances of finding a summer fling are about as good as finding a shelf full of toilet paper, and you’re starting to feel hopeless.

My friends, this is the perfect summer to DATE YOURSELF! Yes, you heard that right. Date yourself! Use this time to discover new interests, cultivate old interests, and rediscover what makes you happy. When we give ourselves time to rediscover what brings us joy, we will be ready to enter into a relationship when the right one comes along. This is because we will have built the life we envision for ourselves, so we will recognize Mr. or Miss Right when they walk into that life. Give yourself all of those things that you want a partner to give to you, and take yourself to those places that you want him to take you. Plan a movie night with popcorn and even splurge on one of the new Prime releases. Check out a new park. Drive on back roads without GPS. Ladies, it’s time to take out your grandmother’s recipe book and finally make those ginette cookies.

We can choose to look at this summer as a real bummer because we are quarantined with our friends Netflix, Ben, and Jerry, or we can choose to view it as an opportunity to grow our confidence and independence. And don’t forget… men are attracted to women who know what they want and have their own lives and interests. Here are some ideas to spice up your summer and make you forget that you don’t have a quarantine snuggle buddy.

Plan a fancy dinner. Chances are, you haven’t had an excuse to wear that black dress hanging in your closet for the past two months. Your dress-up occasions were all cancelled, and wearing a pair of jeans is the new “dress-up.” Wake up early on a Saturday morning and stroll your local farmer’s market. Don’t go with a shopping list; instead, browse the vegetable, cheese, and homemade pasta stands and pick up foods that inspire you. While you’re there, pick up some fresh flowers for your kitchen table. Then, download an app that will give you a recipe based on foods you already have. I use Cookpad and I like it, but there are many others out there. Tasty has a great app, as well. Put on that black dress, light some candles, and serve yourself on your finest china. Dinner for one? Yes, please! Mangia!

Get in touch with nature. When we spend time in nature, our cortisol levels decease, leading to lower blood pressure, less anxiety, and overall increase in happiness. Go on a hike. Take yourself on a picnic. Google “most beautiful parks” or “best trails with a view” in your area and then pick a place you’ve never been. Pack a lunch and eat on a rock or picnic table (bring your sanitizing wipes!) and take in the view. If there is a lake nearby, take a dip in the lake and practice the art of mindfulness by getting in touch with all of your senses- the coolness of the water, the sound of the wind, the heat of the sun. Meditation and mindfulness also decrease cortisol levels. You’ll leave feeling refreshed and renewed.

One of my favorite spots on Lake George, NY

Go to a drive-in movie. Remember that scene in Grease where John Travolta gets stranded at the drive-in? Well when you go alone, you don’t have to worry about that! I grew up going to the drive-in. We used to lay in the back of the car with the seats down and loads of pillows and blankets. Going as an adult always invokes those childhood feelings of awe and excitement as the movie starts to play on the big screen and I dig into a hot dog from the concession stand. Get in touch with your childhood and take yourself to the movies. Pack popcorn, movie theater snacks, and extra blankets. Then, sit back, relax, and enjoy the magic that only the movies can bring.

Arrange a virtual scavenger hunt with friends and family. Can’t see your friends and family this summer? Here’s a fun way to bring everyone together and create a summer you won’t forget. Put together a list of clues and challenges, and then create a Messenger group where each person posts photos of their completed challenge. Give a time limit on completing the challenges (i.e. 1 week, 1 day, 1 month, etc.) Depending on your group size, you can either group people into teams or each person can compete by themselves. The person or group with the most completed challenges by the end wins a prize. The prize could be a dinner delivery, lawn mowing, or even money. Your family and friends will have such a great time that this will soon become an annual summer tradition.

Buy yourself something expensive. You make your own money and you don’t need anyone’s permission to spend it. Splurge, girl! A few years ago, I bought myself a Tiffany necklace after a break-up, and it was the most rewarding purchase I have made in the past 5 years. This summer, I am splurging on a fire pit table. I figure that if I’m spending the whole summer at home, I might as well invest in creating an outdoor oasis on my deck. “Feet up” after a busy work day just got so much more relaxing.

Create a vision board. Chances are, you have some extra time on your hands. Use this time to envision where you see your life in the next few years. Are you an aspiring song writer? Is there a place you’ve always wanted to go but have never been? Do you hope to have a different job or a job promotion next year? Collect old magazines and cut out pictures and words that illustrate your vision, then paste them all on a piece of paper. Hang your vision board on your refrigerator so you see it every day, because science concludes that seeing something every day makes us more likely to achieve it. Now every time you open your refrigerator to grab a drink, you will be reminded of the plans you have for yourself.

Read a book. This one seems simple, but when was the last time you read a book? The whole book? If you’re like me, you have a shelf full of books that are great at collecting dust but have never been opened. I used to love to read books, and I still do, but lately, I’ve been prioritizing everything else above reading. While my other priorities are equally important, they aren’t as relaxing as sitting outside and getting lost in a good story. The other day, I opened a book while taking a bubble bath and it was quite possibly the most relaxed I’ve been in months. Head on over to that dust-collecting shelf, pick up a good book, and give yourself the gift of time to actually finish it. Relaxation is so important for both our physical and mental health.

Challenge yourself. Do something physical like hiking a mountain, taking a 10-mile walk, running a 5K, or paddle boarding. Pick something you’ve always wanted to try but have never had the guts to do it. Grab a few of your friends and then head out to conquer your fears and self-doubt. As a former teacher who now leads corporate leadership programs, I am always telling my trainees that we don’t grow in our comfort zones. We must be willing to get really uncomfortable in order to grow. Oh, and don’t forget to celebrate your success when you finish. 🙂

This summer, take time to grow, relax, and nourish your soul. Get back to the you that you once were, or build the you that you have always wanted to be. Wonder. Reminisce. Believe in the magic of the simple pleasures around you, and remember what it’s like to see the world through the awe-filled eyes of a child once again.

Wishing you the best summer of your life!

-C

An Ode to My Thighs

From the moment I was born, my thighs have always been large. I remember the very moment I realized that my thighs were larger than normal. I was in the seventh grade, sitting on a bus on a middle school field trip to Washington D.C., and as I glanced out the window to get a better view of the Washington Monument, I happened to notice the eighth grade girl sitting across the aisle. Her thighs were much smaller than mine; in fact, they were probably half the size of mine. I glanced back and forth between her thighs and mine for a while, noticing for the first time ever that sitting on my thighs made them look even larger. I have big thighs!, I remember thinking. How did I not notice this before now? There I sat as a thirteen year old girl experiencing my first ever case of body envy.

From that moment, I developed a love-hate relationship with my thighs. Well, mostly hate. The only time I loved them was when I pinned someone down in a judo hold and I wrapped my thighs around my opponent’s body until time was called and I won the match. I loved my thunder thighs during those few occasions. People used to compliment me on my skill, but I knew that it wasn’t skill but rather my secret weapon: my thighs.

Ok, well there was a second time that I loved my thighs. When I decided to start ballet classes in the eight grade, I realized just how strong my legs were. During a warm-up activity, the teacher pushed her legs against mine and my goal was to push her over. I succeeded very easily and she stood up, stunned, and immediately wanted to put me in a pair of toe shoes because apparently my legs were strong enough to handle the weight of my body while standing on my toes. Too bad I quit ballet after that one year. Maybe I could have made it as a ballerina.

For the most part, though, I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with my thighs. Since that fateful day on the DC bus twenty three years ago, I have spent almost every day since trying to make my thighs smaller. I wasted birthday wishes trying to wish them away. That didn’t work. I prayed for God to make them smaller. That really didn’t work; He reminded me that He made me in his own liking. (Big thighs, God? Really??) Then I tried to exercise and diet them away. 100 squats you say? Ok, I’ll do it. With each new exercise routine, my thighs would become smaller, but they would never become small.

And then there’s the cellulite. Yes, I have cellulite. Stop smirking because you probably have it, too. In fact, according to self.com, 93% of women have cellulite. The truth about cellulite is that it’s not a sign of you being overweight or out of shape. Doctors aren’t exactly sure what causes cellulite, and some think that it is genetic. My cellulite has become less visible with exercise and diet, but it hasn’t disappeared. I have tried all of the cellulite remedies on every magazine cover. Have you ever tried the apple cider remedy or rolling a rolling pin over your cellulite? Don’t even bother. They don’t work. The truth is, if you’re a woman, you are most likely going to develop cellulite at some point. My friends, the odds are not in your favor of escaping it. I spent too many years of my life covering my thighs in Bermuda shorts and swim suit cover ups because I was ashamed of my legs. I sat on beaches worrying if the cute guy on the beach chair behind me noticed my legs. I mean, how could he not? I spent too many evenings turning off the light before sex because I didn’t want my partner to notice my thighs. I spent too many summer days sweating beneath jean capris because I was too embarrassed to put on a pair of shorts.

Ladies. I’m over it. I’m over criticizing my thighs and shaming myself. I’m over missing out on truly embracing the present by worrying so much about something inconsequential that I can’t change. I’m over classifying my thighs in terms of size and using adjectives like “big” or “large” to describe them. I’m over the words “chub rub.” Your thighs are rubbing together. But let’s leave the “chub” out of it. I’m over trying on an outfit and twirling around in the mirror to make sure my thighs look “ok.” I’m even over the damn cellulite.

My thighs are strong just like me. They kicked their way through the most rigorous week-long Water Safety Instructor course on Lake George. They have won gold medals in judo. They’ve climbed mountains and they’ve walked several ten mile treks with my friends and me. They’ve jumped, danced, and lifted others during the four years I spent cheering on the blue and white on the high school varsity cheerleading team. They still remember the day they ran their first mile, and how now, one mile seems easy to them. They beg me to celebrate their strength and appreciate their scars. They will no longer be kept a secret; they will courageously face the world with confidence and pride.

To the chub rubbers and thunder thighs: First of all, get rid of these disgraceful terms. Don’t wake up one day and realize that you’ve wasted too many summers sweating under capris and not enjoying the pool. Put on your bathing suit and jump in that water. Feel the coolness on your thighs, and don’t you dare look down at your legs. Keep your chin up and swim forward with courage and confidence. And…have fun!

May this be your best summer yet!

-C

Photo Credit: Maria McNeil Photography

A Letter to the Class of 2020

Fourteen years ago, on a slightly cool evening where a thin cardigan barely stopped me from shivering, I hugged my friends tightly as we rode back to campus in the back of a taxi, both anxiously anticipating and dreading the next day: Graduation Day. The song, “I’m Into Something Good” by Herman’s Hermits played on the radio and we all grew silent, listening to every word and savoring the moment. It was the first time I had heard the song. Now, I can’t listen to it without it taking me right back to that cab ride. It was a moment that I will never forget; it assured us all that while we were closing the chapter on what had been the best four years of our lives, something good was about to happen.

That something good did not come the next day. Actually, my graduation ceremony was a complete disaster. My roommates and I woke up early, curled our hair, and put on extra make-up for those lifelong photos that were to come. We hugged each other goodbye as we walked off to find our respective procession lines, and with about 10 minutes before the ceremony began, we felt the first rain drop. For four hours, the rain beat down on us as our soggy caps wilted around our ears and little pools of muddy water drowned our brand new graduation shoes. Our keynote speaker, Soledad O’Brien, didn’t even speak in an effort to move the ceremony along. The rain didn’t end until the next day.

I have one photo from that day, in which I am soaking wet and hiding under a tree before running in high heels back to my student apartment to pack up four years’ worth of memories. I couldn’t even dress up in the cap and gown after the ceremony to capture decent photos because the rain destroyed both. It was a tragically awful day to culminate four years that had been filled with hope, opportunity, and success. Class of 2020, I, too, was robbed of a proper graduation.

I’m not joking when I tell you that it took me years to get over the fact that I have not one photo of me crossing the stage, or that I don’t have a single photo with friends. But here’s the reality: I have the degree! There is not a pandemic or tragedy of any kind that can take that away from me or you. So go ahead and be upset if you want to be, but then dry your tears and look at that fancy piece of paper and go buy yourself a fancy diploma frame to put it in. We can choose to either dwell on what could have been, or we can look to the future with hope and earnest.

Class of 2020, you will have bigger moments in your life than crossing a stage. You will climb Mt. Everest, foster a child, or save the rainforest. You will speak out against injustice, run a marathon, or find a cure for cancer. You will plant a garden and feed the homeless, hold your grandmother’s hand as she passes on, or graduate with yet another degree. You will publish a research article, win a Pulitzer prize, or lose 100 pounds. Whatever you do, do things that make you uncomfortable. Yes, I said uncomfortable. That’s because we don’t grow in comfort; we grow when we are uncomfortable. We grow when we challenge ourselves with something we never thought we could do. We grow when we are pinned to the ground by the force of adversity, but then break through with strength we never knew we had. Don’t live a comfortable life; live very, very uncomfortably. Challenge yourself every chance you get. Hike that mountain, write that book, and take a stance against global warming. And if anyone ever tells you that you can’t do something, or that it’s not worth pursuing, do NOT listen to them. Only those who cannot do what we can do are going to tell you this. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and encourage you when you have fallen and want to give up. These are the only people I allow into my life now. Run after your dreams like your life depends on it, because it does depend on it. And if you ever find yourself in a relationship with someone who is anything but encouraging to you, leave. Leave right away and save yourself the heartbreak later on. Your gut will never steer you wrong, so always listen to it. If something doesn’t feel right, then it is not right. You will know when you are meant to do something because you will feel it in your core and it will make you feel alive.

You are what the world needs right now. Yes, you. Each and every one of you. We need your talent, innovation, creativity, and most of all, we need your compassion. Don’t you dare waste your talents because you are too afraid to pursue them. You may not yet know what your talents are, so keep searching. You will discover them. You will encounter setbacks, heartbreaks, and adversity along your path, and sometimes, you will get lost in the dark and you won’t see the light for years. But you will find the light; you just have to keep searching. Darkness only overcomes those who stop searching for the light. You have the courage to overcome all of these things and more.

Class of 2020, you have one shot to make this life everything you dreamed of and more. What will you do with it? Whatever it is, I have a feeling you are “into something good.”

Congratulations, Class of 2020!

-C

Legend of the Red High Heels

Marilyn Monroe once said, “Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world.” A few years ago, I was dating this guy and we were getting to a point where the relationship was either going to get more serious, or we were going to break up. We broke it off, and days later, we both realized we had made a mistake. He invited me to dinner the next day, which was a Friday, and then I didn’t hear from him again. Instead, he spent the weekend away with another woman and sent me a text message on that Sunday telling me he didn’t want to see me again. In the meantime, I had gone out and bought a special outfit and what would become a symbolic pair of shoes- red high heels- for the date that never happened. Months later, I saw him at a charity event with his new flame and guess what I was wearing? That’s right. Those red high heels. I made a point to say hi to him and we made small talk, most of which was him asking me about my amazing new job. As I turned to walk away, I heard him say, “I like those shoes.” I spun around, not believing what I had heard, and also not believing that he had just handed me my signature moment on a silver platter. I looked deep into his brown eyes, kicked back my left foot, and shouted to him across the crowded room, “Thanks. They’re my favorite.” I spun around and never looked back. That, my friends, is how the legend of the red high heels was born.

Since the day I bought those shoes from the Macy’s clearance aisle, they have become a symbol of my independence, perseverance, and courage. They have been with me through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and my friends know that when the red heels are on, something is about to happen. Like when a super hero ties on their cape, I know that when I wear my red high heels, I can do anything. They were with me the night I introduced one of my best friends to her future husband, and they carried me the day I delivered the eulogy at my grandfather’s funeral. They comforted me on a date I didn’t want to go on, but only did because I was trying to forget about my ex, and danced with me at a conference after-party with new friends who would become lifelong friends. They’ve supported me in important work meetings, and they’ve celebrated with me after successful speaking engagements. I have worn them to job interviews, galas, and on dates. One time, I even grabbed them when I thought I heard an intruder breaking in at 2am, figuring the heel was the best weapon I had. Thankfully, the shattering glass I heard was only the giant mirror over the fireplace crashing on the floor. (Note to self, NEVER, ever hang a heavy mirror with Command Strips. Since then, you’ll be happy to know that I’ve discovered Monkey Hooks. I’m pretty good with a drill and screws, but I can never find the studs, even with a stud finder. Correction: I find studs when I don’t want to find them, like when I’m trying to jam a Monkey Hook into sheetrock.)

My red high heels are fun, sassy, beautiful, and bold, just like me. Their sheen radiates even when they’ve been kicked around a bit, and their scuff marks tell the story of how they once trudged through an uneven, rocky path in the middle of a thunderstorm as they were desperately trying to get out of the rain after a date with a man who would never become my husband. My friends and family all know the legend of the red high heels, and have since given me red high heel wine holders, wall hangings, coffee mugs, a necklace, and several other ornamental pieces to remind me of my courage and boldness.

My red high heels have been a source of strength, comfort, and inspiration. They will even stand with me as I marry those friends I introduced while I was wearing them six years ago (I’m the officiant!). Soon, those magical heels will leave their place on my closet shoe rack behind, retiring to a donation bin where I hope they will bring a little magic to another woman just as they have to me. Their memories will never be forgotten, and I will forever owe a debt to a pair of shoes I bought on clearance. But before you get all teary-eyed and think that the legend of the red high heels is over, it’s not; actually, it’s just beginning, because the next pair of shiny red high heels are now sitting on that shoe rack, eagerly waiting their first opportunity to make some magic. 🙂

Shoulders back and heels on, ladies!

-C

A Letter to My Ex

To My Ex,

When we face adversity, we really only have two choices: Are we going to give up, or are we going to thrive? Giving up is certainly the easier choice, but Taylor Swift and Adele didn’t make platinum records by giving up after heartbreak; they chose to thrive. They let their heartbreak fuel their drive to succeed, crushing every ounce of pain they felt along with all of the goals they set for themselves. And while simply overcoming the adversity seems like an honorable plan, it wasn’t enough for them, and it’s not enough for me. I too, choose to thrive.

When you broke my heart, I had to dig deep into my core and muster up just enough strength to make it through a single day, hoping the leaking reserve would replenish itself before the next day. I dug day after day, and sometimes, minute after minute, and at that time, I didn’t know how I would ever fill that bottomless pit with anything but pain, but I knew I would fill it with hope and success. As I dug around in my soul searching for strength, I found things I wasn’t looking for, like my courage, my passion, and my faith. I started pulling out these pieces of me that had gone dormant, beautiful pieces of my soul that I forgot I possessed. I found that little girl with big dreams who had been buried for quite some time, so I dug and dug, and the more I dug, the more I pulled out. I dug until I felt the scorching heat of a fire ignited by rage, but sustained by conviction. The hole grew shallow and the strength reserve overflowed until eventually, strength began pouring out of me, along with my dignity, self-respect, and courage. I knew that every molecule in my body was not only strong enough to survive, but propelled to thrive.

And thrive I have.

Since you broke my heart, my life has drastically changed in the most amazing and truly unbelievable ways. Physically, you would hardly recognize me because I’ve lost almost 35 pounds (and counting) since you last saw me. I felt so angry with you that I needed to burn the stress somehow, so I started running every day before work, and some days after work. I ran until my legs gave out and my lungs gasped for air, and I wouldn’t stop until I beat my previous distance or time. I ran up and down steep hills, building both my physical and mental endurance, and leaving the memory of you in the dust every time. With every step, my muscles strengthened, and so did my will and stamina. I trained for a 5K, thinking I would stop there, but now that’s not even enough for me; I’m now running 3 miles a day with the goal to run 350 miles by August. I am now, somewhat unbelievably, a runner.

Do you remember when you said I wasn’t as independent as you thought I was? I’m still not sure what you meant by that, and I’m sure you have no idea what you meant either, and that you said it just because it seemed like an easy way to push me down and make me believe that despite owning my own home and achieving a significant amount of career success, I wasn’t good enough. But…I forgive you. Mostly, because I pity you, because after tacking up new shiplap on my dining room wall entirely on my own, and after installing a new chandelier, I know that you are grossly uninformed on the definition of the word “independent.” My house has never looked better, and I’ve done it all on my own.

Speaking of gross ignorance on word definitions, remember when you told me that you wanted to break up with me because I’m…unmotivated? Well, I don’t even know where to begin here because that’s just so completely inaccurate. In case you need further explanation, here are some examples of what motivation looks like:

Running 350 miles.
Owning a home.
Starting a women’s empowerment blog and gaining over 300 followers in the first two months.
Writing a novel.
Losing 30+ pounds.
Being asked to present at a large event with local business leaders.
Serving as President of a local board, and a member of other boards.
Not only keeping a job, but leading the industry.

I will let this one rest, since I think you’ve now had a visit from Madame Karma and she’s taught you a thing or two about unmotivated people.

You want to know the best thing that happened to me after you left my life? I fell in love with myself again. I began to feel beautiful, which I never felt with your insults and sarcastic jabs. I look at that woman in the mirror with pride and so much love in my heart for all that she has been through. You never told me I was beautiful until the night you broke up with me, which was strange timing, I must say. You always criticized me and made me feel like I wasn’t enough for you. But. I AM enough.

It didn’t happen overnight, but looking back now, I realize that I have been liberated. I am liberated of your deception, your unkind words, and the mediocre future that you offered me. I am meant for greater things than you could give me. Because of you, I have found happiness and I am, for the first time ever, truly living the life I dreamed of. And you know what? I didn’t need to find that happiness in the arms of someone new, like you did, even before we broke up. I found it within myself, and that feels damn good.

You see, while you were out there finding other women, I was out there finding my dreams. When you said goodbye, you lit a fire in me that will never be extinguished, a fire made of courage, drive, and resolution. A fire that you won’t ever be able to ignore because its blinding light of success will continue to shine under your eyelids even as you attempt to look away. You will try to ignore the fire, but it can’t be ignored, because you started that fire. The fire freed me, but it will burn inside of you forever.

Now please excuse me while I go live the life of my dreams. Because if there is one thing I am, it’s motivated.

With gratitude,

-C

36 Candles

Yesterday, I celebrated my 36th birthday in physical isolation for most of the day, wearing an uncomfortable mask covering my nose and mouth on the one occasion I left the house, suffocating me before the corona had its chance to rob me even more of air. Yesterday, I also experienced my best birthday yet, surrounded by the love of family and friends, completely in awe of their seemingly endless thoughtful gestures. Yesterday was, quarantine and all, extraordinary.

Every year on my birthday, I find myself reflecting upon the previous year and setting goals for the year ahead. Thanks to Facebook Memories, I am able to see all of my posts on each of my birthdays, and they all said the same thing, “This is going to be the year that I achieve that childhood dream!” Last year, I even spent my one birthday wish on it. I didn’t wish for love, or for a new job, or for a fancy vacation. I didn’t wish for jewelry, a new house, or even a dog. I wished that I would begin my writing career.

I fell in love with writing when I was in second grade. My teacher put us into reading and writing groups, and I quickly accelerated to the top group, meaning the books I read became longer and the more complex. I fell in love with fantasy and the way the words sounded on the page. I fell in love with new words, new characters, and new authors. When I was in third grade, my teacher pulled me aside after reading one of the “books” I made for an assignment and asked me if I ever thought about writing a real book. I told her yes, but that I was too young to be a real writer then. She began to tell me a story about a child author who started writing and publishing books. Since that moment, I knew I wanted to be a writer.

Over the years, I would open my laptop and write consistently for a couple of days or weeks, but then I would lose inspiration and stop. I started and stopped, started and stopped. I wrote character sketches and researched Pakistani culture for a novel I was working on, but writing an entire book seem daunting and thus, my motivation quickly depleted. Then this past year, something miraculous happened: The love of my life broke my heart into a million pieces, and suddenly, I had more ambition and drive than ever before! I picked up the novel again, fueled by revenge and pain. But that revenge and pain grew into love as I fell in love all over again with writing. I wrote and wrote, and eventually, I started this blog because I realized that other women were relating to my stories, and likewise, I was relating to theirs. I realized you can’t wish for success; you must take action in order to achieve it. I gained about a dozen new friends over the past year through both the break-up and my writing, all of whom I am very blessed to have met. I traveled to exotic places and spent more quality time with family and friends. You see, Ms. Independent, sometimes we have to be completely destroyed in order to rebuild ourselves into the woman we were meant to be, living the life of our dreams.

Ms. Independent, what would your third grade self say to you right now? Have you lived up to her dreams and aspirations, or have you let her down? Is there something that you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had the time or ambition to do? Is there a wish you keep making on those birthday candles that is never fulfilled because you haven’t made it a priority? If there is one lesson that we are all learning right now, it’s that we do have time; we just have to find it. Don’t waste as much time as I did in delaying your dream. Go after it. Grab it by its collar and then tackle it to the ground before it can get away from you. People are dying all around us right now due to Covid-19 and I’m sure if we asked them what they wished they had right now, they would say “more time.” Well, we DO have time, so let’s not let it get away. Find that thing you are passionate about and then DO IT! Just start. Take one step, even if it’s a baby step. Do it everyday until you arrive at your destination. You will get there, I promise! Don’t rely on the blown out candles to make your wish come true.

And now here I am, fanning out one more candle (since blowing out candles has become a practice of the past), and reflecting upon a year filled with love (and heartbreak), adventure, and success. For the first time on my birthday, I don’t need to wish for a successful writing career, because I’ve finally made it happen. This year, as I blew out that 36th candle, I blew it out with the satisfaction of knowing that I finally answered that third grade girl’s calls.

This is for all those third grade girls who believed they could. We hear you, and we’ve got you.

Keep believing,