Boy, Does She Know?

Boy, does she know?  Does she know that part of you that you’ve never shared with anyone?  Your dreams, your mistakes, and your deepest regrets?  Have you grabbed her by her hand and taken her on a tour of the depths of your soul, beyond those fortresses you built, where no one has ever entered, because that’s where the deepest and darkest parts of your soul lie?  Has she explored that area, picking up each piece, examining the wreckage, and making sense of the destruction?  Does she know about your past, thinking your present and future are with her?

Boy, does she know that you can’t make eye contact when you’re telling a lie?  Or how your eyes squint when you’ve had too much to drink?  Does she know the extent of the lies that hide behind those eyes, along with the stories you’ve fabricated just to preserve your external image?

Boy, does she know about the other women?  The one you cheated on me with and who you were still with when you met her.  The one that you pursued with such tenacity while you were still living with your long term girlfriend, who sat home cooking you dinner and planning a romantic night in as you were looking for greener pastures.  Does she know that as soon as you were caught out with another woman, you lied just to cover your own tracks, telling your friends about our “break-up” weeks before it happened?  Did she know that your friends knew about our break-up before I did?  She probably doesn’t know that as she was putting on her mascara to go on that first date with you, you were running around with another woman, while I was home crying, texting you because I had no idea that either of these women existed. 

Does she know that she entered into a relationship with a man that didn’t have his whole heart to give? Or that we had just broken up when you met her?  I bet she doesn’t know about the woman you were sleeping with when you met her, or that you broke up with me because you said you needed to work on yourself, that you were miserable with who you were, and that you were no good in any relationship.

Boy, does she know yet how your charming actions can quickly turn into careless and selfish behavior, how your promises are empty, and how your laughter can quickly turn to rage?  She probably doesn’t know that you lie about almost everything, even to her.  She doesn’t know that you cheated on your last two girlfriends, thinking we would never find out.

She doesn’t know that you’re not the man she thinks you are.  And I’m sure she wouldn’t believe me if I told her, because I’m sure you told her that I’m the crazy ex-girlfriend whom you left a long time ago.

But you know.

You know that you lied to me.

You know that you cheated on me.

You know that you left my parents’ house after spending the weekend there, my parents treating you like a son, and that evening, jumped into the arms of another woman, while I was wondering why you weren’t answering my texts.

You know you tried to blame our break-up on me.

You know that you lost friends because of your reckless behavior.

You know that people who really know you, know the truth about you.

You know what you did, and you have to live with that guilt.  If you don’t feel it now, you will feel it later.

You know that you wrecked lives, including your own.

You know you did all of these things.

She does not.

But I know this…

I know that I speak the truth.

I know that I am happier without you.

I know that I deserve a man much better than you, one who will treat me with respect and one who is honest with his words.

I know that I am confident, beautiful, and successful, and that you will never find another woman like me.

I know that I am courageous, even after seeing your true colors.

I know that you are my past, and I’m thankful that you’re not my present or future.

I know that the best is yet to come.

And…I know I will make it.  And you will watch me.

-C