Ms. Independent, I have experienced the kind of heartbreak that wakes you up at night, panting for air, gagging with nausea. I have lost hope that I will find love, will ever be loved, and will have the heart to love again after so much hurt. I have doubted my capacity to love and have spent months wondering what I did wrong to lose the only real love I ever felt. I lost my appetite for food, love, and joy, and worst of all, I lost my courage. But through all of the tears, physical pain, long chats with friends, and therapy sessions, I came to one very important realization: Love is not something we find. Love is all around us and it finds us every single day.
We often mistakenly think that “finding love” means finding one person to love. This whole notion that one’s destiny is to find that single soul that compliments ours completely is…well, do you want me to be honest? It’s a bundle of crap. People have often told me, “I just want you to be happy.” What they’re really saying is, “I just want you to find the one.” While they mean well and have my best interest in mind, I know that being happy does not equate to finding a relationship. Ms. Independent, listen to me carefully. There are so many ways for us to love and to be loved, and loving a significant other is just one way to feel that love. Just because you are not in a relationship does not mean that you should deny yourself that indescribable, incredible feeling of love. What makes your heart speak, Ms. Independent? Where do you give your love, and who gives you love? Who and what fills you up with the most joy?
This is something that I had to learn after a devastating break-up. He was my everything- the love of my life, my best friend, and I thought for sure that one day, he would be at the end of that aisle gazing upon me with loving eyes on our wedding day. I lost faith in love and worst of all, lost the love that I once felt for myself when he unexpectedly left me and wasted no time in replacing me with another woman. I felt betrayed and was certain that my heart could never love again. Not only was the break-up shattering, but the fact that it happened around the holidays made it ten times worse. I vomited from stress, and felt a crushing pressure on my chest that made me think that my heart could actually break. I knew that the only way to keep my heart from shrinking and growing cold was to love like crazy, as hard as it was, and as foreign as it felt at the time. The heart is a muscle and the more we stretch it, the bigger it grows. I started simply with those closest to me by loving my family and friends fiercely, for they were there for me during one of the most difficult times in my life. They force fed me, sent me flowers, texted me inspirational quotes, invited me into their homes at all hours of the night when my hair was greasy and my pjs hadn’t been changed in two days (listen, I’m not proud of that, ok?!), and let me sleep on their couches because I didn’t want to be alone. They booked girls’ trips and yoga retreats with me, and never grew tired of my endless tears and venting sessions. They loved me selflessly and so incredibly fiercely, and through their love for me, I began to find love for myself once again. They taught me the true meaning of love and made me want to be a better daughter, friend, and lover.
It’s funny how you think that when you lose love from one person that you’ve lost all love, but listen to me…the love that you lose from one person cannot and will not replace the love that you already have in your life, Ms. Independent. Look around you. Who loves you even when you don’t love yourself? Who believes in you? We are creatures that are made to love, and there are so many places and people to give our love to. We have so much love in our hearts and we get to decide every day where we will give it.
Find a cause you’re passionate about, and then love the hell out of it. During this fragile time following my break-up, I began to pour my love into various causes that spoke to my heart. I volunteered at an outreach center and found out that they were in desperate need of toiletries for the underprivileged, since these are not covered by food stamps. So I left the shelter and headed to Walmart, packed a cart full of shampoo, soap, razors, and toothpaste, then stuffed these into Christmas stockings and delivered them to the shelter the next day. I felt my heart stretching and an old, yet familiar smile creep onto my face at the check-out counter when the cashier asked me if I was collecting items for the poor. Saying “Yes” never felt more amazing. I found love in those smiles and hugs of the surprised women working at the shelter who were not expecting to have a delivery of stockings full of coveted personal items. I found love in the warmth of my new friends at Big Brothers Big Sisters, whom I work with on their board. When I had to cancel my boyfriend’s attendance at a gala last minute because of our break-up, they wrapped their hearts and arms around me and made sure the only thing on my mind that evening was the music and the laughter. I am finding love in the responses I am receiving from friends and family when I tell them that I am planning a fundraiser in my late brother’s name. It is something I have always wanted to do, but have never had the courage to plan it…until now.
Love is…giving a stranger a compliment. Love is letting someone over on the highway. Love is waiting an uncomfortable amount of time to hold the door for someone at the mall. To quote a line from my favorite movie, “Love, actually is all around.” Yes, I know that might sound cheesy, but love really is all around, and we can control where we give our love. Start by doing more of what fills you with the most joy, and be kind to yourself. Love yourself like you would want someone else to love you. Treat yourself to a massage, buy yourself fresh flowers, and enjoy a warm bubble bath while reading a new book. Don’t deny yourself love just because you don’t have a significant other to love, Ms. Independent. That is crap and you know that! Love the hell out of your friends and family, and then bury yourself in a cause that makes your heart throb with joy. You will know what that cause is when you find it, because you will feel alive like you’ve never felt before. I’ll be honest with you, I’m still working through this and learning to love again, but with each new day, I wake up with the intention to experience love in the simple moments, even though it is sometimes very hard. I still have a long road ahead of me, and some days I experience setbacks, but I forgive myself for those setbacks because I know that I am on my way. I am further along than I was yesterday, but not as far as I’ll be tomorrow.
You know what, Ms. Independent? It takes courage to love after you’ve been hurt. You are courageous and never forget that. Your heart will heal and love will creep into your life in the most surprising places when you focus on the things that bring you joy. Keep loving and your heart will grow more than you ever thought it could. How do I know this? Because I trust the stories of so many women who have come before us, who survived the heartbreak and lived to tell us that we, too, will not only survive, but thrive. I know it’s hard right now, and believe me when I say that I understand. But I promise you, you will love again.
And so will I.
With love, C
❤
The C-Word 